Monday, December 6, 2010

Blues Blotter

Blues Offseason News Blotter: November 06, 2010

Good times.

Blues name new Coaches:

Dan Ozzi and Robert Repino were named the new managers of the Oxford Blues, replacing Ben Keene and Tanya Laplante. When asked about the upcoming season, Ozzi simply screamed “LET THE REIGN OF TERROR BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!”

Former Blues Manager Flees Country:

Erstwhile Blues coach Ben Keene has fled the country for Asia under mysterious circumstances—his rumored destination is Thailand, known for its sex tourism industry (this is purely contextual information—draw your own conclusions).

Jeter tries out with Blues:
Derek Jeter was seen exiting Blues training facility Jake’s Dilemma Saturday night, after a tryout with new team managers Dan Ozzi and Robert Repino. Though the current Yankees captain declined to comment, sources within the Blues Organization say that as of yet, no decision has been reached. Reports had placed Jeter’s potential contract with the Blues in the range of $85 million over four years, plus free drinks after games.
Update: Jeter will not join Blues this season:
Said manager Dan Ozzi: “Unfortunately, Derek failed a portion of our physical exam which required him to eat a minimum of three chili bacon burgers within a half hour. Extra points would have been awarded if he also added fried eggs.” More news to follow.

Update: Jeter re-signs with Yankees, calls it “consolation prize:”

Said Jeter: “It would have been awesome to play beer pong with someone good for a change. A-Rod sucks.” Blues member Andy Fargnoli upon hearing the news: “It’s for the best. Everyone knows Minka Kelly and I had an on-again, off-again thing when I played high school football in Texas, and being on the same team would have just been too much for Derek to handle. There’s just too much history.”

Repino bitten by Radioactive Cliff Lee:

Mild-mannered Blues coach and pitcher Rob “R-Train” Repino was touring a Columbia University laboratory yesterday when a radioactive Cliff Lee which had escaped from its tank bit his hand, raising a suspiciously red, throbbing lump (that’s what she said?). This is probably nothing, but we’ll follow this story as it develops.

Update: Repino gains Super-Human Pitching Abilities:

“The Pocket Rocket” was seen throwing 130 mph softballs through a brick wall this morning. Dr. Curt Connors, a genetic specialist from the science lab Repino visited yesterday, said it probably has something to do with the radioactive Cliff Lee bite.

Update: Repino Vows Revenge on all Blues’ Foes:

After watching his “Uncle Ben”—Repino’s nickname for a former Blues coach (who has since fled the country for sex tourism related reasons and will remain unnamed)—lose a softball game because of Repino’s refusal to pitch after he was unpaid for the previous game, Repino has vowed revenge upon all batters, everywhere. Reportedly, Uncle Ben’s last words in America were: “Rob, with great pitching, comes a better chance to win games. Also, your infield is pretty good, so actually, don’t worry about it that much. But remember what I said about the pitching. Ok, my plane is about to take off.”