This week's recap was contributed by Taylor "Tater Tot" Pilkington. —The Editors.
Under the looming skies of Dewitt Clinton Park, the Oxford Blues recorded their third mercy rule and fifth win of the season over the REBAS Bombers by a score of 12-0. Although afternoon rains threatened to turn the infield to quicksand, not even Mother Nature could stand in the way of our intrepid heroes’ quest for victory. A little light landscaping, and the stage was set for athletic domination.
On the mound, The Pocket Rocket pitched a shutout as the Blues moved closer to clinching a playoff spot. Employing a vicious Vulcan changeup, Robtronic mowed down batters like Ozzi eating hamburgers (Jeopardy Category: Things that Happen Fast. Also a correct response: Dave’s lovemaking). Noted a source close to the Blues pitching staff: "The R-Train was making express stops today. All the way downtown, if you know what I mean. No seriously, he pitched really well. I mean, super-good, like the Michael Jordan of baseball, excluding that one time he actually did play baseball."
In truth, the game happened so quickly that it's hard to piece it back together. The Oxford bats were on fire. Dave hit an inside the park home run (aren’t they all really, in this league?) and got the game ball. Ben complained about the sorry state of large, corporate American breweries. Brian sacrificed his body to protect the unspoiled sanctity of left field. Michelle bulldozed through a player who tried to cover the plate without the ball. (Family members say he's resting comfortably at Mount Sinai Hospital; the closed-casket funeral will be held next Tuesday.) And Joe C. wore a new hat, a hot cherry red number to complement his position at the hot corner (Like David Lee Roth, a Blue knows that it’s not just winning, but looking good doing it that matters).
After the bloodbath was over, the team retired to the Bull Moose where, along with The Best Dressed Man in New York, they made merry for many hours. Amidst the festivities, Elyse solemnly pledged to stay out all night drinking before the end of the season. Plus, Coach Laplante, Oxford's daring leader, had more than one reason to celebrate; not only did she captain the brave Blues to a commanding victory (personally dealing the death blow by scoring the 12th and final run), she also celebrated her 21st birthday and attained the dizzying career heights of Executive Editor. This called for cupcakes! Many, many cupcakes.
Another day, another win for the Blues, and for some, another step closer to Immortality. In the words of Coach Taylor: "Booyah! The team's inspirational emails paid off. Blues are positioned for playoffs! Incredible."